Until We Bleed
by Fuebi
Summary: He sees him and he hurts, and he doesn't know why.


Roxas and Axel sat at the kitchen table, eating a gruel that the blond had whipped up in less then an hour. By the time Roxas had taken it off the stove it reminded him of puke, but he tried not to think of that, because he was starving and needed something to eat.

Axel looked at him, his food untouched, his smile small and his eyes shining in the late summer light. "So Rox, why don't you visit more often?" The red head's small smile lessened slightly at Roxas and his quietness. "Earth to Roxas? You there?"

Blue eyes stared back at green, "Because I don't want to," Axel's eyes softened. His fingers clenched on the table. He was leaning back in the wooden chair, looking tense despite his position. He bit his lip, trying not to say anything.

Roxas noticed this. Noticed the way that Axel was trying really hard not to say anything, trying really hard not to bother Roxas, trying not to remind Roxas. So the blond stared down at the gruel in his bowl, feeling his appetite was suddenly lost. He pushed it back and mimicked Axel's pose.

There was silence for a few minutes as Axel and Roxas sulked, and while Axel sulked Roxas took that time to stare at his companion. "I keep meaning to visit" He said, his voice low, almost sounding like he didn't mean for it to slip out, but it did. Axel noticed at once.

For a long minute Axel just stared at Roxas, his mouth forming a small, sad smile. "Thanks, then. I mean, I sort of miss you, y'know?" Roxas nodded. He understood. Axel and Roxas used to hang out a lot. They would go to movies, go for walks, smoke a little weed here and there, cat call some chicks; suddenly it just stopped. When did that happen?

Chairs clattered to the floor as Roxas hurried himself to where Axel was. Forcefully grabbing hold of Axel's head, Roxas pushed their lips together, their teeth clattering together painfully and reverberating back into Roxas' head. He didn't care though. He missed Axel, ever since that day he say the red head on the bridge, talking to his mother and crying. He couldn't stop _thinking _about Axel. He kissed his best friend then too.

When Roxas traced the bottom of his friends lip with his tongue Axel complied by widening his mouth, allowing entrance. Their tongues mingled and their breathes become hot, their fingers moving in directions they weren't aware of.

Roxas stopped, flinching back, and stared at Axel. The red head, frowned, but replaced it with a smile, as if the frown were never really there. Roxas had just imagined a sad look on Axel's face.

The blond turned his face away, facing towards the tiled floor. He staggered towards the counter, gripping the edge and tightening his hold. Things weren't making anymore sense to him anymore. His head was starting to betray him now-a-days. He would wake up wondering where he was sometimes, and on those days he would lay in bed and _cry_ because he was so confused.

Confusion was the only emotion he was every really able to convey. That and apathy. He had buckets and buckets of apathy pouring out of every part of his body. He radiated the thing.

But when he looked back at Axel; when he turned his head to his best friend he felt..._thing_. He wanted to feel everything, and all at once. Usually after seeing Axel he would express almost every emotion there was to express. He always ended up crying though.

------

Axel was waiting for Roxas at the coffee shop. They usually met there on Sunday mornings and ordered the same thing every time, not daring to change it up. Roxas wasn't going to be the one to break the chain, and Axel wasn't going to ask him too.

When Roxas arrived, the bell ringing in the air, showing that he opened the door, Axel looked up and smiled at him. He had his hands in his lap again, Axel's visage looking small. It wasn't like before. He used to have such a presence but now it was gone. The blond figured it was one of those days again.

Pulling out the chair for Roxas, Axel smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners, making his green eyes twinkle and remind Roxas of cat eyes. Axel sort of was like a cat, in some form, the youth thought.

With his voice heavy, Axel spoke and it absolutely terrified Roxas, "Thanks for coming. Didn't think you would show up," Roxas knew why Axel asked him to come. His voice showed he had some kind of ulterior motive. Axel usually did have some kind of motive behind _talking_, and one time they ended up having sex. Axel was a conniving bastard at times, but Roxas sort of loved him that way.

"I know what you want, and it's not gonna happen," The younger of the two crossed his arms, his grey jacket stretching over his small body. Their coffees came and Roxas noticed that Axel still couldn't bother to try something different, other then a vanilla cappuccino, which was so fucking gay. His throat closed up for a second. That would mean being something that wasn't normal; that would mean that something had changed, something was _wrong_. Roxas liked things the way they were.

"Why not Roxas? Why the fuck _not_?" Axel narrowed his eyes. Roxas tried to hold onto that expression of his best friend looking like a cat. A cat that couldn't hurt a fly, but still had a sly smile of some kind of mischief behind it. His thoughts were snapped back to reality when Axel took hold of his hand, the pale skin cold and making Roxas shiver.

He looked down at the hand, and wanted to feel it on more then just his hand. "Roxas, please, you have to understand-"

"I do understand Axel, I'm probably the _only_ person that can fucking understand," There he went, sounding more angry then he wanted to. Why was it he always felt like he was on the brink of breaking when he was around? Why whenever Axel was around he wanted to just tear his own hair out and cry cry cry?

Another hand rested on Roxas' tanned one. His mouth felt dry and his eyes felt like he had been crying for days, weeks, months, but he still felt like crying. "Fuck Axel, don't even try. Don't. Just don't" The hands left and Roxas felt a sudden loss of _everything_ like he was never going to feel that touch again.

They came back though, this time touching his face to caress tear stained cheeks. Axel leaned out of his chair and kissed his cheeks, more tears forming. "Don't cry, please don't cry. I promise that if you come, you'll... you'll feel relieved. Just talk for a while, say everything that's on your mind. You'll feel better, I know you will,"

Fingers twitched and his breathing hitched, "I-I can't... I'm no-not ready..."

"You are, I know you are," He kissed his lips softly, the heat passing into Roxas' cold face.

-----

Naked on his bed he felt numbness surrounded his body. He felt stupid, but he stayed. He didn't want it to hurt so bad, but it did, and each time he saw Axel he just _remembered_. He continued to think about Axel and the more he thought about him he _hurt_.

Roxas knew they had been best friends, forever even, but there were times. There were times when Roxas was sad, so depressed and no one was able to help him but Axel, and when he did Roxas felt himself becoming closer to Axel, knowing more about him. The first time Roxas had kissed was when he saw Axel cry for the first time. He had been talking to his mother, something tragic had happen and till this day the blond still didn't know.

Axel had explained little to nothing, because he couldn't get nothing out of his chocked sobs. His best friend had dropped his cell phone and raised his hands to his eyes to cover his tears. Roxas knew Axel liked to play it strong, but whatever had happened had broke him to tears. Roxas didn't know what to do.

He had hugged him, caressed his back, his cheeks, then their lips were touching. It wasn't much, something soft, slow, almost meaningful, something that Roxas didn't know he would like until it actually happened. They had shared so much in that one moment, and so later that evening Axel was returning the favor. He had pushed him back on his funny smelling couch and forced his tongue in his mouth. He smelt like weed after smoking so much.

He relished such memories, trifling through them one at a time, trying to remember every detail in his naked numbness. He found that he could remember better without so much weighing him down, but there was still something, something that had a grip on his throat and just wouldn't let go.

Parts of him were drifting away, while others were being violently ripped from him. He just didn't know what yet.

The white sheets were curled up beside him, and he used the sheets as a make shift _personsomeoneanybody _Axel. He needed him right then, why couldn't Axel be there, holding him? But how could he let his best friend see him like this? Pathetic and weak and on the edge about to fall?

There was a knock on the door, and Roxas found that fate was cruel in ways he couldn't describe. Feet pounded against the floor, closing in on Roxas' location, and his utter humiliation.

When the door opened Roxas wished that he was invisible. "Please Roxas... please..." He could hear Axel moving towards him. When he turned his gaze towards Axel he could see that his fist were clenched so tightly that his already white knuckles looked even whiter. His eyes were glistening, unshed tears were there. Roxas felt shameful.

"I'm sorry,"

The red head moved with speed next to Roxas, getting on his knees beside the bed and holding onto his best friends hand for dear life. "Roxas, please, please...just go...just say good bye once...please," Axel was crying. He was _crying_ because of Roxas. The red head's tears traveled down his face, slowly, and Roxas never realized how interesting it was to see something so small roll down someone's face was.

Axel got up and into the bed, holding Roxas' paling body against him. Blue eyes were still drooping, and tired looking, while green ones were turning red. When Axel tightened his grip on Roxas the blond felt Axel's face bury itself into his chest. He felt wetness against his chest, and felt something in his stomach lurch.

"Please come Roxas...please... I'll never ask anything again...please come," Roxas chocked on whatever he tried to say next. Something in Roxas' chest tugged and his hand slowly moved to hold back onto Axel, like he would disappear if not held onto tighter.

"Please for fucks sakes, please just do this one thing, please do it for _me_ Roxas... I love you so much, please just once," Roxas felt his eyes glaze over, his vision blurred with tears ready to fall. His head shook back and forth and that caused the tears to fall, landing in Axel's hair.

It felt like something cold was up against his back, like he had been caught again expressing emotion. He felt like showing any kind of emotion was illegal, forbidden, but he just cried quietly into Axel's hair, while Axel cried quietly in Roxas' naked chest. They held tightly onto each other and cried.

"I love you Roxas, so please, I'll do anything for you to go, just go," Roxas nodded into Axel's hair, kissing the top lightly and stroking it, almost as if he was a child. Axel did the same to Roxas, kissing his chest, and rubbing his back to stop him from crying.

"My Mom...my Mom has Leukemia, that's why I cried," Roxas stayed silent, hoping to hear more out of his friend, hoping to know more. He ran his fingers through bright red hair, coaxing him into saying more.

"She's going to die, and I can't do anything," He felt Axel cry more into his chest, his body racking with violent sobs. Roxas felt helpless, just like Axel did. He couldn't stop the pain he was feeling. He felt utterly, and completely helpless. "I'm so fucking sorry Roxas..."

More wetness on his chest, and soon they were being replaced by soft kisses, slowly traveling up his chest, to his collar bone, to his neck, his jaw, and then to his lips. He felt Axel's lips wet with salt, his tears having stained them. Roxas felt more tears run down into their soft kiss.

When the soft kiss ended Roxas had held onto his sobs so tightly that he burst. He felt his eyes over flow and just cried his hurting heart out. Everything was so painful.

"I don't want it to hurt anymore Axel, I can't stop the hurting... I want it to stop so _badly_," Roxas leaned down and clutched Axel's shirt like it was his only thing keeping him on the Earth. He felt his nose running, his crying making him look so weak and pitiful. He wanted it to stop.

"You're so fucking _strong_ Roxas...so strong... I wish I was like you," Roxas shook his head again, feeling stupid, cliché.

"I need you Axel," The red head nodded and kissed Roxas' cheeks softly, taking away the tears, but more fell in their place. "I need you so much it hurts...," Roxas' mouth fell open his breathing become more panicked stricken. Axel kissed his face softly and quietly until Roxas fell asleep.

The blond felt so tired but the only thing he dreamed of was white powder, and people doing things with it. Their noses bleeding. Roxas was one of them. And Axel was there, drinking and everything looked like smoke and haze, fogged over like a forgotten memory. He tried not to think about it too much.

-----

He's there again. At that place. sitting down while everyone conversed and while he sat, his head empty and expression blank, everyone was drinking, and some peoples noses were bleeding while others kissed and held onto each other as if they were in love.

Roxas let his eyes fall to the dirty carpeted floor. He narrowed his eyes and got up off the couch, his limbs lethargic but continued to move to someplace, somewhere that wasn't where he was.

He moved to a room. When he looked inside he saw a group of people with a metal plate, filling their noses with white powder that reminded him of snow. One of the many men turned around and he had a thin dust of white under his nose. The smile on his face made Roxas' face cringe.

"Why don't you join us?"

Roxas closed the door and left the place, intending to never come back ever again.

-----

When he got there Axel was waiting for him, his back turned and his hands in his pockets. Roxas walked up behind him, but stopped a few feet, fearful of what he might say.

"You took your time,"

He chocked, the air cutting off from his lungs. He opened his mouth to speak but was silenced.

"You gonna say goodbye?" Axel turned slightly, his face pale, almost ghostly. The air around the cemetery was silent, and it was early. The dew on the grass was soaking through Roxas' shoes, but he didn't care to notice something as small as that.

What he did notice however, was how fresh it smelt outside. He felt peaceful there. He walked up beside Axel, his hands at his sides and limp, "You were right, I feel more peaceful,"

Axel nodded and gave a small smile, his eyes still glistening like he was about to cry, "Yeah? That's good..." He nodded, repeating _that's good_ in a quieter tone. Roxas felt himself tear up as well. He walked up to the slab of stone and sat down, tracing the letters on it.

"I miss all those times, you know? Those times where we all used to laugh at how stupid _The OC_ was. Oh and I remember, I remember the one time you put the recorder up your nose and played _Mary Had A Little Lamb._ Shit I missed that...I-I miss it...so _fucking much._"

Axel was beside him, rubbing his back again. Roxas placed his head on his shoulder, smiling a little and letting a few stray tears roll down his face. It was quiet and he liked it that way. He liked the quietness and how it gave him room to think.

"You have to say goodbye now Roxas," Axel looked down at the name on the stone and traced it as well, his fingers so white again the grey slab. Roxas nodded, but stayed still, his head not wanting to move from it's position.

"I love you Axel," Roxas leaned away from Axel and looked him in the eye. "I really do love you. So much," His friend nodded, his smile sad, and tears on his face.

"I know. I love you too," Axel let his hand rest on Roxas' cheek and the blond leaned into the touch, his face wet but his smile true. The cold in the air made Roxas' face so numb. His fingers felt like they were going to fall off from the chill.

Roxas held onto Axel's cool hand and put it down. They smiled at each other, looked at the stone, then back at each other.

"Goodbye Axel,"

Roxas moved in and kissed him, his face red and his eyes puffy. When he pulled away all he could see of Axel was the remnants of too green eyes and flaming hair.

Roxas wouldn't linger. Axel would have wouldn't have wanted that.


End file.
